I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
