omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
