she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
