So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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