I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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