There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
