My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
