My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i need some magic done to my vagina
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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