I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
