I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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