My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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