i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
