you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
