Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
