Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
