so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
