i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Randomize
