I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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