I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
