Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
