im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I could fuck to npr.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
