hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
