Umm I'm too high to move.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
