Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
