I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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