we're chasing vodka with high fives
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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