please come you make the beer taste better
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
