Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
