Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
