apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
