is your mom at the bar?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
