I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
