I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
