Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
