He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
