I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
