I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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