just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
