"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
