I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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