I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
