Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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