If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My life is pants optional.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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