3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
