you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
