Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He felt like a one man threesome
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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