So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There was a lot of him and a little penis
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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