Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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