I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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