If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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